Saturday, December 16, 2017

The Scene: Pooh Corner. It’s a cold winter’s day and the inhabitants are sat together under the branches of a tree, trying to ward off the chill. Winnie-the-Pooh is absent and there is no sign of Tigger or Kanga.  

They look a trifle perplexed when instead of the youthful Christopher a balding bloke in a suit gambols up to them with a sunny smile.

Piglet: “Who are you? And where’s Christopher Robin?”

The balding bloke: “What ho chums! I’m Christopher Grayling. Terri May sent me down here to replace that other Christopher because he’s not being sufficiently positive about Brexit.”

Piglet: “Well that’s you screwed Eeyore. You’re the biggest Remoaner of the lot of us.”

Eeyore, sighing heavily: “Is that any wonder? What’s there to be positive about. Poor Pooh’s spent the last two days sleeping outside Sainsbury’s in an attempt to buy honey.”

Christopher Grayling, still with a gormless smile on his face: “Did you not hear what I said on the BBC. It’s not a problem. We’re growing more British food. You lot need to show some enthusiasm for this great project of ours. Why can’t you be like Tigger? Or Kanga?”

Eeyore: “Yes. Tigger and Kanga. They weren’t daft enough to give up their dual nationalities after the vote. They’ve decided, having looked at the mess you lot have made, that they’re better off elsewhere. So no more Tigger bouncing around to cheer everyone up. He’s gone over to Hong Kong and got himself a job with HSBC. By the way, Piglet, did you have any luck with ancestry.com?”

Piglet: “No. I couldn’t find a trace of Irish blood in my family tree. I though I might get lucky with my grandma, but it turns out she was from Cleethorpes, not Cork, so no passport for me. I’m stuck here with you and Pooh.”

Eeyore: “Bad luck.” 

Christopher Grayling: “Look this just isn’t good enough. You’re talking Britain down, you know. Beloved children’s characters like you are supposed to be cheerful!”

Eeyore: “I’ve never been bloody cheerful in my life. Anyway, arem’t you the bloke who compared Moss Side to The Wire? What’s cheerful about that?”

Christopher Grayling: “Right, I’ve just about blooming well had enough of this. I’ve got one of those new fangled iPhones here. You lot are going to listen to a Boris Johnson speech about how great Brexit is and how great Britain is and how great our economy is going to be. That’ll get you sorted out.”

Eeyore’s face looks more doleful than ever. His huge ears stuff themselves into their sockets. 

Piglet: “You really must teach me how to do that one day. Oh look! Here’s Pooh!”

Winnie-the-Pooh trudges towards them, clutching an empty pot of honey. 

Eeyore removes his ears from their sockets having watched Christopher Grayling try and fail to get his bluetooth speaker working. He battles to keep his gormless smile in place. 

Pooh: “Who’s this?”

Piglet: “It’s Christopher Grayling. Apparently Terri May has ruled that even children’s novels and cartoons have to be positive about Brexit. So he’s been sent here to replace Christopher Robin.”

Pooh fixes Christopher Grayling with an appraising look. There is a pause as the cogs in his brain move. 

Pooh: “I remember now. This is the berk who said we’d just grow more food if we crashed out of the EU and their’s got really expensive to buy while Terri May was pandering to the Britain’s full up brigade. Did it not occur to you, Chrisopher, that it’s all very well to talk about growing more food but the farming sector is staffed by immigrants? If you don’t let them in there’s no one to harvest it and you’re…”

Piglet: “Pooh! We’re children’s characters! We’re not allowed to swear!”

Pooh: “Sorry. Sorry. I’ve just spent the last 48 hours queuing outside Sainsbury’s for a pot of honey and of course they’ve run out. Still, bears are omnivores so…”

Suddenly there is a sound not unlike the one in the film when Wolverine extends his adamantium claws. A low and ominous growling can be heard. 

Eeyore, aghast: “Where did they come from?”

Piglet: “Pooh… Pooh… Look Christopher Grayling, if I were you I’d take your positivity and… 

Christopher Grayling: “Yes?”

Piglet: “RUN.”

They watch as Pooh chases Christopher Grayling over a hill.

Piglet: “D’you think he’ll be alright?”

Eeyore: “Yes. Pooh’s not very quick. And he’s half starved so he won’t be able to keep going for long. Christopher Grayling should count his blessings. Boris Johnson ended up replacing Pete in Pete’s Dragon. I’m told it didn’t go well. David Davis has been run over by Ivor the Engine and I hear Michael Gove is in hiding after he turned up at Hogwarts and Hermione Granger tried to turn him into a weasel.”

Piglet: “Isn’t that what he is already?”